The Thing With The Gay Guy Getting Killed

On one day here on ye olde earth there was a surfer dude. He went to ye olde surf shoppe. A VSCO girl saw him. He did the Cowabunga symbol and she freaked out. She said, “Sksksksksksk OMG you almost made me drop my hydroflask! Because you’re so hot!!! Wow! Do you wanna make friendship bracelets but like sksksk and I oop relationship based bracelets?”

He said “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, you just looked like you could use a friend! I can tell by your puka shell necklace you’re a tourist!”
“Wait,” she said. “I'm not a tourist! I, like, live here. Puka shell necklaces are just having a moment! Do you wanna go back to my VSCO hangout? We can have sex on my trampoline!!!”
“I’m sorry, man. I’m gay.”

This particular VSCO girl, Rebekah, was the goddess VSCO’s reluctantly chosen one, because even though she’s annoying, and totally representative of VSCO’s clique which she feels misrepresents her, she has hella fye skills when it comes to photography. Lighting really is everything. So, out of a forced feeling of outrage, and, frankly, anger at T’Qia for outdoing her last party anyways (who in the heavens would’ve thought a screening of Brokeback Mountain, complete with tissues and champagne, was more palatable than a shittily made YouTube video binge?) VSCO struck the surfer boy down, thinking he must be T’Qia’s chosen. 

Rebekah said a prayer for his lost soul to God, which further annoyed VSCO, and OCEANMAN got out of the wave pool on Mt. TT, and yelled, “Why would you kill my chosen?”
“He’s T’Qia’s, and he doesn’t seem chosen!”
“Because only T’Qia protects them!”
“Duh, honey!” T’Qia approached the room, nervous to see who was dead in who’s fit of rage. The last person to be killed by a god, was, like, forever ago. “Mine have already been through enough shit. So, who’d you kill.”

“One of yours. He was at a surf shop. Didn’t know the gays were multicultural now.”

“HE’S MY CHOSEN YOU STUPID SKANK ASS BITCH!” OCEANMAN yelled. “I loved him. He was mine! Mine! You know T’Qia is a transitional god, for the most part, and his followers are mostly basics or also follow Interna. You KNOW that. But just because someone’s gay, does not mean they’re only personality traits are based around that.”

“It’s true, I’m a god of stereotypes.”

“So I-”

“You killed him for being gay!”
“No, I killed him for rejecting my chosen!”
“Which he did because he’s gay you STUPID WHORE he is gay he cannot change!” OCEANMAN yelled.

“Pssh. Where were you at Stonewall?” T’Qia asked, blotting his lipstick.

Creation of Ye Olde Earth

God made Earth n shit then Adam and Lilith then Lilith was like “ew submission” so God banished her or whatever then made Eve, OG Christian bitch. She was perfect for Adam until snek (AKA Interna) who is friends w/ Lilith was like “YOOOOO EAT FRUIT” then Eve ate the fruit that God didn’t want her to have because after she gave humans this ability to understand good and evil and to know shit and to be skeptical they’d realize He’s a dick after evolution n shit. So then lots of shit went down and God banished Adam and Eve and they had incestuous babies and the babies all made more babies and it was all very Alabaman because God is pro incest now apparently. But God punished women with menstruation, which, believe it or not, is even more unpleasant an experience than a word. And difficult childbirth. So Eve had all the babies and they had all the babies and shit went down with these Alabaman bros who for some reason one killed the other mostly because jealousy over “money” but LBR it was a cousin or sister-- Cain said “Roll Tide” ya feel me? And then some more shit happened then the ppl got nationnapped bc God’s ppl r pussies and then Moses found ten commandments which came from OCEANMAN actually but nope it was “God.” Then T’Qia got mad abt some shit the Pharaoh was doing so he said “Uh-uh honey!” and did the plagues. Then OCEANMAN split the red sea and Moses and them went thru the ocean and OCEANMAN drowned the Pharaoh and somewhere in there T’Qia gave this motherfucker this gay ass rainbow coat and he saved the world also bc God is a DICK he at some point said “HA MY CREATION AIN’T SHIT” which rly bro u didn’t have to make the stupid fuckin’ tree (AKA if ur worried abt it don’t do that) and was gonna lifecide the humans but OCEANMAN made Noah a boat and T’Qia sent a widely misinterpretted rainbow that actually meant “Fuck God I’m ur dad now. Love u my children. We’ll deal w Him.”

Then nothing relevant happened until Jesus came. He was a last ditch effort for God to apologize for the genocide shit. So anyways, he taught love and shit then ppl misinterpretted it to mean “FUCK THE GAYS” which actually VSCO is responsible for the only diety-sanctioned death of any gay person ever so uh yeah. And then Jesus rose to heaven and Paul wrote some weird ass shit and everyone listened to him instead of Jesus and then T’Qia was rude to Interna and Revelation was written and then Christians were dicks and then somewhere along the way we got to the present day: All gods have representation on ye olde Earth, and specifically on one place here on earth: TikTok.