God made Earth n shit then Adam and Lilith then Lilith was like “ew submission” so God banished her or whatever then made Eve, OG Christian bitch. She was perfect for Adam until snek (AKA Interna) who is friends w/ Lilith was like “YOOOOO EAT FRUIT” then Eve ate the fruit that God didn’t want her to have because after she gave humans this ability to understand good and evil and to know shit and to be skeptical they’d realize He’s a dick after evolution n shit. So then lots of shit went down and God banished Adam and Eve and they had incestuous babies and the babies all made more babies and it was all very Alabaman because God is pro incest now apparently. But God punished women with menstruation, which, believe it or not, is even more unpleasant an experience than a word. And difficult childbirth. So Eve had all the babies and they had all the babies and shit went down with these Alabaman bros who for some reason one killed the other mostly because jealousy over “money” but LBR it was a cousin or sister-- Cain said “Roll Tide” ya feel me? And then some more shit happened then the ppl got nationnapped bc God’s ppl r pussies and then Moses found ten commandments which came from OCEANMAN actually but nope it was “God.” Then T’Qia got mad abt some shit the Pharaoh was doing so he said “Uh-uh honey!” and did the plagues. Then OCEANMAN split the red sea and Moses and them went thru the ocean and OCEANMAN drowned the Pharaoh and somewhere in there T’Qia gave this motherfucker this gay ass rainbow coat and he saved the world also bc God is a DICK he at some point said “HA MY CREATION AIN’T SHIT” which rly bro u didn’t have to make the stupid fuckin’ tree (AKA if ur worried abt it don’t do that) and was gonna lifecide the humans but OCEANMAN made Noah a boat and T’Qia sent a widely misinterpretted rainbow that actually meant “Fuck God I’m ur dad now. Love u my children. We’ll deal w Him.”
Then nothing relevant happened until Jesus came. He was a last ditch effort for God to apologize for the genocide shit. So anyways, he taught love and shit then ppl misinterpretted it to mean “FUCK THE GAYS” which actually VSCO is responsible for the only diety-sanctioned death of any gay person ever so uh yeah. And then Jesus rose to heaven and Paul wrote some weird ass shit and everyone listened to him instead of Jesus and then T’Qia was rude to Interna and Revelation was written and then Christians were dicks and then somewhere along the way we got to the present day: All gods have representation on ye olde Earth, and specifically on one place here on earth: TikTok.
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